My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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