How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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