Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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