you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
