I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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