Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
