I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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