I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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