the condom got lost in my hair
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
