I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
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Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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