I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize