I wish they made helmets for livers.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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