You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
