I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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