he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
