tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
