Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
