i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
