Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
