I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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