i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
