also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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