I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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