Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
