why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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