My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
