Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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