i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
