Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
