It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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