take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
