my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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