I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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