I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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