there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
