John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
