I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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