After last night, I could never be a politician.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
