so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
