he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
