I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
