i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my shit smells like andre
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
