this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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