I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
