So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
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Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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