I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
only you would photoshop your dick
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i believe in u and ur pee
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
