i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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