It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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