I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
