i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
