Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
