i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
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I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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