it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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