I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
